Decision Making
If parents have one fear for their child, it is usually concerning the child’s ability to make good decisions. This can mean good decisions in choosing homework over video games, choosing to walk away from a fight rather than getting into a brawl, choosing good friends over bad influences, etc. Decision-making is made possible by the frontal lobe as it requires several executive processes including: planning, identifying alternate solutions, identifying consequences, and cost-benefit analyses. These are higher-level functions that control and coordinate other cognitive and behavioral abilities. Some mental health conditions (e.g., ADHD, anxiety, depression) directly affect executive functions, making it difficult for those children to engage in effective decision-making.
I’ve found that parents often struggle in determining the appropriate amount of decision-making power to afford their children. On the one hand, we want the child to feel a sense of autonomy. If a child makes a good decision on their own, they feel confident and proud. They also escape a possible bad outcome, which reinforces good decision making in the future. On the other hand, sometimes we cannot trust that our child will make the best decision, so there may be the urge to step in and make the decision for the child.
Younger children often find themselves dealing with the consequences of a poor decision due to impulsivity and immediate gratification (this is particularly relevant to children with ADHD). Parents can help children to slow down by teaching them to think before they act. I enjoy using games that require a child to ‘put on their breaks’ to practice this skill (e.g., ‘Red Light, Green Light’ and ‘Simon Says’). As children grow older, you can provide them with more options and more power in higher-stake decisions. For example, a young child may practice decision making by choosing one treat from the gas station (low stakes), a school aged child might choose what sport or extracurricular activity they want to try, and a teen may choose which colleges to apply to (high stakes).
You can also teach your children a set of questions they can ask themselves before they make a decision. For example, when a decision needs to be made, practice asking these scripted questions with your child.
“Will I feel good if I do this?”
“Could this hurt someone else?”
“Could I get in trouble for this?”
Parents should be prepared to follow through if they provide options for the child. For example, if a parent offers the child either an ice cream snack or a walk to the park, they should be prepared to do whatever the child chooses. Therefore, tip #1: Do not provide options that you are not willing to provide.
We cannot expect children to know how to make good decisions without being taught first. In some cases, the ‘good’ decision is not the most gratifying for the child (e.g., picking homework over video games). Tip #2: Model appropriate decision-making to your child. Verbalize your decision-making process AND verbalize the outcome. For example: ‘I didn’t know whether I should get some work done or do yoga this evening. I chose to go to my yoga class first. Now, I’m tired and I don’t feel like working. Next time, I will do my work first.’
Finally, understand that you and your child might have different values. Tip #3: Barring dangerous decisions, respect that your child has made the choice that they have. If you don’t agree with their choice and want to have a discussion with your child, come at it from a place of curiosity, not judgment. For example, “You know, I would not have dyed my hair purple, but you chose to do that. I’m so curious – what inspired you to choose purple hair?”
There will be times where your child does not make the best decision. Tip #4: Do not ‘rub it in their face’ (e.g., “I knew that was a bad idea,” “See, I told you…”). The decision has been made at that point, and there is no taking it back. This is not to say that you cannot express your feelings about the choice. Try your best to come from a place of supportive understanding, and not judgment.
Allow your child an opportunity to learn from both their good and poor decisions. Your child needs to learn from natural and logical consequences. Finding a balance between protecting your child and allowing them to be autonomous can be a struggle. Practice decision-making as early as you can with low-stakes decisions to best support your child in making high-stakes decision in the future.
