Parenting Anxious Children
Anxiety in children can often be difficult to recognize, as it manifests differently than in adults. While adults may easily identify feelings of stress through restlessness or physical tension, children might express their anxiety through irritability, defiance, or physical complaints like headaches and stomachaches. They may struggle to verbalize their worries, leaving parents confused by seemingly defiant behavior. Understanding how anxiety shows up in children is crucial, especially since they might not yet grasp abstract concepts like worry. This post will explore common signs of childhood anxiety, how to differentiate it from age-appropriate behaviors, and strategies to help your child manage their anxiety in healthy, supportive ways.
Most adults (though not all), can accurately identify when they are experiencing stress and anxiety. We may feel restless, we may have tension, we may have disruptions in sleep and/or eating habits, etc. Anxiety in children can be tricky to identify because it can look different than adult anxiety. Children may present as irritable or angry. They may also endorse more physical complaints like headaches and stomachaches. Anxious children may not verbalize their worries and may appear defiant. Let’s take for example, a child that has anxiety about school but is unable or unwilling to share this concern with parents. This child might refuse to go to school and the parent is left wondering why their child is so defiant.
Compared to basic emotions like happiness, sadness, and anger, ‘anxiety’ is more abstract. Even the idea of ‘worry’ can be a difficult concept for children to grasp. We might notice that children ask a lot of future-oriented or ‘what if…’ questions (e.g., ‘Where are we going? Are you going to stay with me? What if I don’t like it? Can we leave if…?’). Excessive question-asking can be indicative of anxiety, but can also be age-appropriate. Children between 2-6 years old ask a lot of questions, but this is typical for that age range. For younger children, it can be useful to identify anxiety in children by describing it as the child’s ‘mind feeling really busy, like there is a lot going on in your head.’
**Sidenote: I’ve also found that children endorse having a ‘busy mind’ right before bed, which is usually why they have trouble sleeping. The next day, the child is likely fatigued from a poor night’s sleep, so fatigue/low energy, and subsequently irritability and poor concentration, are important symptoms to track. Pay close attention to your child’s sleep behaviors and check out my upcoming blog on sleep hygiene for more information on addressing sleep disturbance.
The nature-nurture interaction of anxiety is also important to note. Be aware that anxious children often have anxious parents. This is in part, due to genetics, but also due to social learning (e.g., learning from observation). If you are an anxious parent, understand that you may be modeling anxious behaviors to your child. If that is the case, try your best to model the use of coping strategies to your child. You will also want to be thoughtful about your reactions to an anxious child. It is important to validate your child’s feelings of anxiety without reinforcing and feeding into those anxieties. If you recognize your anxiety as substantial, it can be beneficial to seek your own counseling.
Generalized anxiety has been conceptualized as a disorder of uncertainty. Researchers (Dugas & Robichaud, 2007) have coined the term ‘Intolerance of Uncertainty (IU).’ Uncertainty is scary for most of us, but especially scary for anxious folks. One way to combat this is to create structure and provide clear expectations (more on this in the below recommendations). Anxious children can be rigid and changes in routine can be difficult. Prepare your child for any changes in the routine by giving them forewarning.
If you have an anxious child, I recommend the following:
· Create structure and have clear expectations. When doing new things that might trigger anxiety, try to provide clear expectations. Structured routines help in this way because the child knows exactly what will happen. Some parents will create a visual aid that displays the routine for the day. Provide forewarning for any changes in routine.
· Reward brave behavior. If a child is anxious, but takes small steps to face those fears, reward the child. The key here is to reward small steps rather than looking for complete successes. For example, a child with social anxiety, might say ‘thank you’ to the waiter at a restaurant. Praise the child for the thoughtful interaction by saying, ‘I’m so proud of you for talking to the waiter – I know it can be scary for you to talk to strangers.’ Keep an eye out for more tips on reward systems in upcoming blogs or check out my video tutorial at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cHVjJdcCNjM&t=464s
· Therapy can be helpful in treating anxiety in children. Children can learn coping skills (e.g., breathing and relaxation techniques, cognitive reappraisals, distraction techniques, etc.) to better manage their anxiety.
· One of my favorite books for parents is Helping your Anxious Child by Ronald Rapee and colleagues.
